The voice in my head

I generally always have a commentary or sound track going on in my head.  I expect a lot of people do without realising it.  But now there was a new voice and it wouldn't go away.......it still hasn't and I'm writing this 6 months on.

I've had endless conversations with him in my head, endless unverbalised discussions where I've had a chance to say how his words made me feel, how I should have countered them on that final evening.  Discussions with him where I want him to understand the damage they did, how much they destroyed my self belief.  I've question myself over and over again - I'd prefer to be angry and grip hold of the decision that I'm much better off away from the damage our relationship has done, but it's so hard.   So so hard.

I miss him.  I can't help it.  I can still feel him - literally I can feel how his body felt, his arms around me, his mouth, holding his hand.   I want so desperately for this feeling to go away and it doesn't matter how many times I remind myself of things that happened and the reasons I made the call to end it.  I know it all but it doesn't stop me loving him still.  

The awful reality is that I am sure he moved on very quickly.  Typical man, close it all down, shut off the past and back on the Apps.  He will no doubt have created a new narrative of Poor Me, I didn't do anything wrong, She was a mad woman. And whilst it might not sound it, I genuinely do hope he's happy - after all, compared to his whole situation when I met him, his life is 1000% more complete, secure and fulfilling so he has no reason not to be even without a new parter.  

However there's that small voice rattling inside which still wishes he'd come back - made a grand gesture, issued an unreserved apology, declared that love could overcome.  That he loved me and wanted me enough to do that.  But he didn't, and that really hurts.   He'd said in the past that he'd been pretending to be happy, and I fear now that he'd been pretending many things for most of the time.  That hurts very deeply, even if there's nothing I can do about it.

But whilst the voice is still there, and I have to check myself time and time again every single day, it is quietening slowly.  I keep music playing, listen to podcasts, and generally keep distraction tactics on hand.  And I constantly remind myself to face the future and not look back at the past.  Writing this blog is the other outlet I hope will bring me resolution but I really wish there was a faster, easier process because this is a very lonely time and finding constant resilience when you're running on emotional fumes is proving very tough.    Hey ho.......